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Joke of the Day

"I wish you'd told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I've already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife."

"""Do what you love & the money will follow."" Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear. And now, I wait..."

"911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet. Me: I WASNT READY"

"What did they serve for lunch at Jurassic Park? Chilean Sea Bass. Spared no expense. Didn't you watch the movie?"

"Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon. Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips. *me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon."

"Hit snooze until the panic sets in."

"People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life."

"What do you call a blonde Jew? Goldie Lox (my little sis just came up with this...or so she said)"

"Why did the Hydroxyl molecule blow up the US Mint? It was a Free Radical."

"How do you confuse a blind person? Toss them a basketball and ask them to read it."