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Joke of the Day

"Me: Wake up 5-year-old: Me: We're late 5: Me: The house is on fire 5: Me: Your sister touched your stuff 5: *barrel rolls out of bed*"

"Why is Batman undefeatable? Because he was coached by Liam Neeson."

"What do you pay a hooker with? Income."

"I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift. But I couldn't find a manual."

"If you were antipencil, would you be erasist?"

"Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is getting released for the second time in Iraq. They're renaming the game to The Sims 5."

"Operators are standing by. Untold numbers of them. In shadows. The forest grows dark with operators."

"If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... would you go to lunch or a movie?"

"After a few bites of sunflower butter I've never been more fully prepared to buy a Prius."

"I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when... ...my wife said, ""You spoil those dogs."""