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Joke of the Day

"[God making trees] God: ""They're alive but not. Every now & then they drop food."" Angel: ""I don't--"" God: ""Also they breathe the opposite."""

"No matter how bad my head hurts, I bet Lindsay Lohan is jealous of my hangover."

"I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself."

"What do you call a peaceful Bruce Lee? Gent Lee (Gently)"

"10 qualities of a perfect girlfriend: 1. Truthful 2. Intelligent 3. Gentle 4. Humble 5. Tolerant 6. Polite 7. Understanding 8. Sexy 9. Smart 10. Young In short:- T.I.G.H.T.P.U.S.S.Y"

"Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who got stabbed? Um what's her name? Blonde girl, Reece someone .... ""Witherspoon?"" No, no. It was with a knife."

"[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]"

"Is that your cat? No, she's adopted. Me and my boyfriend, we can't have cats."

"PIG: ""I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon"" PSYCHIATRIST: ""I'll cure you"" PIG: ""Oh God, not you too"""

"I RT a bunch of awesome stuff. nnBecause its funny. And I needed to hide my tweets from last night."