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Joke of the Day

"My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore."

"I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in. She said, ""You can't do this to me!"" I said, ""I know... that's why I'm doing it to her."

"For something that has nine lives, you'd think this cat would spend at least one of them not being an annoying cunt."

"How do you know your letter is gay? It came in the mail."

"I have sex daily. I mean dyslexia. Fcuk."

"My friend asked me if I wanted to walk down a hill with him. I declined."

"Why did Bernie Sanders's chicken restaurant throw out so much food? He only sold left wings."

"Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was out standing in his field"

"The unemployment rate rose to 9.8% and Twitter is expected to see about a 10% hike to hit 200 million users by New Year's. Coincidence? No."

"Shout out to my neighbors for the 2:00 am fireworks; I hope you enjoyed my 7:00 am weed whacking."