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Joke of the Day

"Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife? Me: ""I do"" Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it"

"What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare"

"Judge: how do you plead? Guy: well usually to my wife Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant"

"Benefits of dating me: You'll be dating me. I could go on, but I think I've made my point."

"What material does Cayde-6 use to repair his armor after falling feet first into hell? Nathan Filaments ( ) X-Post from /r/DestinyTheGame"

"Yo mama so fat! Her Prius gets 12mpg."

"I only smoke for the health tips from complete motherfucking strangers"

"I am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call, text, Facebook or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you."

"What's the best kind of cream... ...to get rid of spots and bug bites? Creamation."

"What did one snail say to the other? Nothing. They were both decoys."