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Joke of the Day

"Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don't hold their breath as long as I do."

"My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter... So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business."

"What do dads and grammar Nazis have in common? They're not there."

"What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry Potter made it out of the chamber."

"How do you sort out Ant and Dec? Squash one and deal with the other later."

"How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!"

"I've got 99 of everything, and my problem is hoarding and OCD OCD OCD OCD."

"100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you're within five miles of anything right now, move."

"If helium lifts things could you say It's a source of light?"

"What was Helen Keller's dog's name? Uuuuuueeeeuuuuhhhh!!!"