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Joke of the Day

"How many of you are household pets reading tweets while your owners nap?"

"Gentlemen test At least most tests have the decency to ask me my name, before they fuck me."

"At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don't know why they're giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit"

"What does Popeye use to toss his salad? Olive Oil."

"An Irish wake Partying is such sweet sorrow."

"The closest I've ever come to eating better is eating butter."

"Did you hear about the dyslexic marathoner who would only eat shellfish the night before races? He was crabo-loading."

"Damnnnnn gurl... I wanna to take you back to my place, get you alone and just do work on your grammar."

"Well hello, ""Party-Size"" bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests."

"Patient: Doctor you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I JUST DID DIDN'T I YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!"