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Joke of the Day

"I love weighing myself after having a dump. It makes a shit load of difference."

"Any time someone tells you they're ""about 20 minutes away"" they're lying. They haven't left yet."

"Sometimes I forget I'm from Florida and then I remember when I was 9, my dad had me drive the golf cart so he could get drunk on the course."

"My smartphone is now all I need to organise events in my life My calendar's days are numbered."

"It blows my mind that people walk around acting like Steve Harvey won't jump out from behind a bush at any moment & murder them."

"Black people are human beings."

"ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he'll devour the entire carcass HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?"

"Why do no communists drink Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft."

"I've just text my new girlfriend that I'm into all sorts of douchebaggery. Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is."

"Why did Martin Luther King have so many pink shirts? He was against separating the whites from the coloreds."