215398

Joke of the Day

"I told my mate that my newborn baby's stomach was the size of a walnut. . . . ""Just feed him a walnut then."""

"Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone's calling me and glare at it until it goes away."

"What do you call a retarded five year old chained to a slab with his asshole lubed up? ""Daddy."""

"My neighbors complain about me throwing my cigarette butts on the lawn but they'll be pumped when a cigarette tree sprouts in the spring"

"I bet every time Beyonce leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair"

"What do scientists say when they meet each other? Hydrogen Iodide"

"I used to work at an orange juice factory... I got fired cuz I couldn't concentrate"

"Adam and Eve... were the first people to not read Apple's terms and conditions."

"Your honeymoon can't be going that great if you're incessantly instagramming photos of it?"

"How do you get a New Yorker upset about ISIS terror attacks? Tell them ISIS are Red Sox fans."