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Joke of the Day

"The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me."

Next Joke
 
"'Siri, am I an alcoholic?', I whisper into my burrito."
"What's the difference between a homeless wanker and a pimp? One's a broke stroker and the other is a stroke broker."
"I'm so out of it I just asked my dog to hand me something. To be fair, he gave me the same blank stare my kids would have."
"My favorite sitcom episode is the one where there's a huge misunderstanding."
"<--- Tips cup back and lightly taps the bottom. Fifty pieces of ice fall out on face."
"What's the difference between Will Ferrell and a man with erectile dysfunction? One can... ""Get Hard"""
"Today is national dog day and women's equality day... It's national bitch day. /r/showerthoughts did not appreciate this. Maybe you guys will."
"My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, ""I don't want Santa to see me when I poo."""
"I got raped by a troupe of mimes last night They performed unspeakable acts."
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