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Joke of the Day

"My son laughed at a ceiling fan for 45 minutes in case any studio execs are wondering how to reach his demographic."

"My younger dog can go to sleep in about 4 seconds. The older one takes about 6 because she's got more shit to worry about, I guess."

"What's the best part about being cremated? Finally achieving a smokin' hot body."

"Only one man has ever entered parliament with honest intentions... ... Guy Fawkes"

"Metro don't trust trump. Future gon' shoot him."

"Why can't Jesus eat pizza? Because he doesn't exist."

"Why are fish so gullible? They fall for things hook line and sinker!"

"If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would've become a lesbian."

"I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned."

"[sinking ship] CAPTAIN: dammit RAT: i'm leaving CAPTAIN: i'm staying CAPTAIN'S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i'm excited to see how this plays out"