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Joke of the Day
"Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?"
Next Joke
"[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don't laugh* 2 parts baking soda"
"Parents: Stop making videos of your kid coming home from the dentist all fucked up."
"when I hit 45 I'm going to start sleeping in a coffin. let's be honest, my lifestyle choices have been questionable"
"[Insert Shitty Joke here] APRIL FOOLS DAY!!!"
"Some days I think my mental health is coming along nicely, other days I'm vaguely jealous of turtles."
"Where do you hide a hippie's weed? Under the soap."
"""911 what's your emergency"" IM DYING ""what happened"" I GOT STABBED LIKE 3 TIMES ""lol pics or didn't happen"""
"Me: *reclines* Nice Wife: I still can't believe you bought a used gynecological exam table Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs"
"How do you call a play on numbers? A pin."