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Joke of the Day

"Me: *applies temporary tattoos* Mom: Unicorn tats? Me: I'm in a gang. Mom: Ha! With who, Lisa Frank? Me: You just made a powerful enemy."

"[interview at Bass Pro Shops] So, tell me a little about yourself. Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!"

"Why did the stop sign get an STD? Because it had a 4-way."

"For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don't get her a bathroom scale. Nope."

"""I piss off a lot of deaf people when I talk"" -Italians"

"According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later"

"How is Liam Neeson and an ionic bond alike? They are always having something get taken."

"TIL Michael Jackson was a huge GW Bush campaign contributor. He thought GW said ""Leave no child's behind"""

"what's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's finger."

"My brother just lost his left hand, but the doctor told me not to worry. He's going to be alright."