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Joke of the Day

"[1st date] Me: I've got crabs [date leaves] [back home looking at my fish tank] ""It's all right guys, one day I'll find one who'll like you"""

"My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka."

"yes lassie? ""bark"" Timmy's in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn't get mad ""bark"" smart"

"If you know the thread count on your bed sheets we're in different tax brackets."

"My bladder has been tested on this road trip. I still don't know how far a 'mile' really is but I can drive 75 of them before I have to pee."

"If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I am handsome I would have exactly one dollar.! Thanks Mom.!"

"What are peas attracted to? Chickpeas"

"10 ways on how to deal with Click baiting! Does anyone know them?"

"What did Tennessee? What Arkansas."

"What's the difference between a girlfriend and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't go apeshit and stalk me for years when I put a couple of loads in it."