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Joke of the Day

"*Sees dead cat on the road. Walk it off buddy, you got 8 more."

"It concerns me as a parent that damn near every Disney movie shows kids if your parents die you'll become royalty and have a great life."

"today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING"

"If you ever come across a fork in the road Pick it up"

"It's funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second."

"One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships."

"Dr: ... Me: ... D: ... M: ... D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum M: No *orange falls out onto floor* D: ... M: *mumbles* yes"

"No need to fight over me, ladies. I'm perfectly capable of disappointing all of you sexually."

"[marriage counseling] Wife: I just wish he wasn't so clingy Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA"

"Why are farmers so afraid of aliens? Tractor beams."