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Joke of the Day

"Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics."

"What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house? I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation."

"My cat told me he's old enough to move out on his own now but then he said nah I'm just kitten"

"My dad never really loved me as a child I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult."

"My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again."

"My coworker said my clothes looked gay. I responded with ""Well they did come out of the closet today."""

"Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter. 3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do."

"""Do you love me more than you love sleep?"" ""I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"""

"I went to look at tents today. But I didn't buy one. There was nothing before them, there was no pre-tents."

"How do you make an orange turn red? Get John Boehner to cry."