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Joke of the Day

"Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine. Intellectual powerhouse. Right here."

"I once got diarrhea on a road trip but I went on, undeterred."

"I can't believe how popular these gluten-free items are getting!!! They're selling like hot cakes!"

"I used to suffer from delusions that I was a bland, flavourless cut of meat... but now I'm cured."

"a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat"

"I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me."

"Thank god pets can't talk, they know so much"

"[in car with wife] ""did you take $20 from my purse?"" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*"

"Whoever said ""It takes two to tango""... Clearly never took Spanish."

"What do you call a cannibal that only eats disabled people? A Vegetarian"