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Joke of the Day

"What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both fly around Uranus wiping off Klingons"

"Don't make fun of fat people with lisps... They're thick and tired of it"

"I beat a Prius today... Thank goodness I had on my running shoes."

"My grief counselor died last week. Luckily, he was so good I didn't give a shit"

"Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen."

"What do anal and spinach have in common? Well, if you hated it as a kid, you're probably not gonna like it as an adult."

"*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note* ""Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne."" *Santa grows very pale*"

"Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ... ... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into."

"How is being a Jew like eating a burrito? It's really not a problem until they give you gas."

"Why did the Eskimo wash his clothes in tide? Because it was too cold out tide."