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Joke of the Day

"What's the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I'm asking for me."

"2034. All motivation comes from posters now. People can't even find the strength to poop without seeing italics over a meadow"

"what is an pirates fav element potassium because pirate doesnt want scurvy. it not argon k?"

"I like my women how I like my file paper. Ruled, and punched twice near the spine to keep them in line."

"makeup beauty Omg = oh my girl so cute next morning without makeup Omg = ohh My God omg/omg = life without wife"

"I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose."

"How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis -- LADDER. I meant ladder."

"The EU has said that more needs to be done to help the Syrian refugees, especially the children. May I recommend swimming lessons?"

"TIFU when my finger tore through toilet paper while wiping. It was the most ass I'd gotten in a while."

"How do mussels reproduce? They shuck eachother."