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Joke of the Day

"*waits until you fall asleep* *tests out his new retractable air horn*"

"I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun."

"Jesus drove a Honda, but nobody knew about it. For I did not speak of my own accord. - John 12:49"

"Blonde joke Blonde: ""What does IDK stand for?"" Brunette: ""I don't know."" Blonde: ""OMG, like, nobody does!"""

"My friend died today... He wasn't able to speak, but in his dying moments he wanted me to have his EpiPen. I'll cherish it forever."

"Apparently, you can only say ""Look at you! You got so big!"" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?"

"strong password Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars."

"[vet school] ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because- [spins cat on finger like basketball] -I have no idea what I'm doing"

"Anyone who says ""on his person"" rather than ""on him"" is not only pretentious, but obviously doesn't think in 140 characters."

"I just got a great deal on a Flesh Light... Craigslist is the best!"