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Joke of the Day
"Why did the bird go to the theater? She wanted to wait in the wings."
Next Joke
"The freebie-jeebies That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking."
"What kind of pickles does Miley Cyrus like in her relish? twerkins"
"weed is a gateway drug. *opens gate* Welcome To CoolFunLand"
"What do women and bass guitars have in common? You have to slap them for people to think you're a good player"
"I will not mess up this omelet.. I will not mess up this omelet.. I will not mess up this omelet.. I will enjoy my scrambled eggs."
"Him: You hang up first. Me: *click"
"[lights 2016 calendar on fire] There. Now you can't hurt anyone any longer. [wind blows calendar onto my coat; I'm engulfed in flames]"
"What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? A seizure salad"
"My dad's take on 35 years of marriage. Me: ""Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"" Dad: ""Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."" Mom: ""Awww!"" Dad: ""...Underwater."""