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Joke of the Day

"dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more"

"[laser tag] Instructor: Dude, you're not gonna run out of ammo Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let's just agree to disagree"

"When I was 6 I got coal from Santa... The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad"

"My book fell from above and hit me on my head All I can do is blame my shelf"

"What mouse has two legs? Mickey Mouse. What duck has two legs?"

"The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop. The steaks were high."

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The ""p"" is silent."

"First Ebola and now Measles... Is there ANYTHING hipsters won't bring back!?"

"What do gyms and prisons have in common? They're both full of ripped assholes."

"How does Times Square start the new year? By having Mariah Carey drop the ball! ""The audience can sing this one."""