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Joke of the Day

"The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher."

"My teen sent my call directly to voicemail on the phone she used to have."

"What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand? My hand."

"[on a date] *wonders if she'll steal my fries while I use the restroom* *shakes Magic 8 ball* ""YES"" *takes plate of fries with me*"

"What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste."

"What did people say after two satellite dishes got married? The wedding was dull, but the reception was great."

"What do you call a pirate who is lost at sea and has to drink his own pee to survive? Aarrrrrrr Kelly!"

"What is the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male fraud."

"me: hello darkness my old friend darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name"

"This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends."