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Joke of the Day

"I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining."

"My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe"

"What do snotty vegetables do when they see something they don't like ? They 'turnip' their noses."

"How does a Muslim close a door? Islams It."

"Abortion jokes are a lot like the procedure itself. If you half-ass it then it will come out mangled."

"Today I had a second helping of hummus. I was arrested for double hummus-ide."

"I am drinker. Hear me pour."

"What do people in Colorado eat on 3/14/15? Pot pie."

"Doctor Doctor I think I'm a rubber band Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!"

"When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper ""I know guys I miss you too"" then put them back quietly."