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Joke of the Day

"I put on Shrek and fell asleep. I woke up and it was over. I ogre slept."

"[First date] Me: ""So, what do you do?"" Date: ""I'm a librarian."" Me: ""Oh, my bad."" *Whispers for the entire rest of the date*"

"My girlfriend was masturbating with a carrot in the back seat of my car I shouted, ""Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!"""

"Until yesterday I thought Chatroulette was a French pastry. No wonder the bakery didn't have any."

"It took America two days to create ""anti-WikiLeaks legislation"", yet, proper regulation of the financial sector, for example, is awol."

"I don't get why it's called a super moon It doesn't even have a cape"

"This Christmas I got a new car for my wife. I thought it was a great trade."

"What did Princess Diana say when she reached the ball? ***gagging noises*** PS: I don't know how to spell that out."

"If you can down 20 vodka shots in 15 seconds... ...You must be Russian."

"You're like a fat stump, I'm always falling over you."