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Joke of the Day

"Just bought Colgate mouthwash 'cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby."

"If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer."

"Whats the difference between children and lesbians? Children shouldn't run with scissors. Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs."

"Life is like a box of chocolate... ... it doesn't last long for fat people."

"""NSFW"" Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? So you can cum on its face afterwards."

"I hope that Senator Franken runs for President in 2020 and picks Jill Stein as his running mate That'd be a real Franken/Stein ticket"

"I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses. -Every girl, ever."

"ME: *eating shepherd's pie* this is really yummy SHEPHERD: hey, that's my pie"

"So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity... Well, her exact words were ""time and distance"" but I knew what she meant."

"Q: What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? A: If you hadn't been so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!"