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Joke of the Day

"Guys, no one on Twitter cares about what you're doing. They just want to know about how much you hate what you're doing."

"Have you ever meet someone so Jewish... That they didn't want to pay for their train ticket?"

"What happened when a whore house caught on fire? Some came out running, others ran out coming."

"Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? Yeah, it runs in your jeans!"

"How ugly was she? Paper or plasic?"

"I renamed my toilet form John to Jim the other day- -that way, I can tell people that I wake up and go to the Jim every morning."

"The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand."

"I just threw a football through a tire swing and now I'm in first place in the NFC South?"

"The Mob Hey, guess who has both thumbs and owes money to mafia. *Gestures towards self with thumbs* *Puts on a serious face* No one has both thumbs and owes money to the mafia."

"As a fat guy I never really have more pep in my step... But I do occasionally get a little more throttle in my waddle."