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Joke of the Day

"The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control."

"SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo- SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job."

"No one lies on the Internet They told me my computer had a virus, and asked if I wanted to do a FREE security check. Sure enough, my computer had a virus. How nice of them to tell me."

"Why are Dendrochronologists Forever Alone?"

"A paedophile and a young boy are walking through a forest at midnight..... The young boy says, ""I'm scared"". The paedophile says, ""You're scared? I've got to walk back on my own!"""

"They say don't drop the soap, they are right. You will slip on it and fall, I have first hand knowledge. Don't worry I'm fine, only a little drain bamage."

"If I had a time machine I'd go back 10 years and tell myself ""Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to."""

"1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait"

"wife: ugh I feel so old me: you're only 36 wife: ugh me: that's like three 12yr olds wife: what me: what"

"What do gnomes fear most about Christmas? They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!"