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Joke of the Day

"SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo- SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job."

"Why is it best to ask photographers personal questions at night? (X-post r/photography) Because they open up when it gets dark."

"What are the two fastest things in the world? The second fastest is your asshole snapping shut. The first fastest is that little drop of water..."

"I saw a snail driving in a car with a big s on it. It was amazing to see that escargot"

"What's the difference between your wife and your job? Your job sucks"

"Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming? ROFLMFAO! JK! Lolz Ttyl KK Ur BFF, Hannibal ~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages"

"Lou Gehrig is the most unlucky man to ever live.... I mean seriously, what are the odds of dying from a disease that has the same name as you?"

"[commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?"

"Forgot to pack tights so I'm wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady."

"What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? The spacebar!"