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Joke of the Day

"When I die... When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep. Not screaming in pain like the passengers in his car."

"How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change bulbs and 3 to sit around and complain that the original was better."

"The volume of sewage burdening my local treatment works is rising excrementally."

"Never buy the first round cause that's when people care what they're drinking!"

"How do you keep your dog young for longer? [Terrible OC] Keep them stored in some quality... pupperware!"

"Black kids play NBA 2K... and then go to the basketball court to be like their favorite player. White kids play Call of Duty, then go to school to get the highest kill streak possible."

"My friend compared me to a singular cloud in an otherwise blue summer sky No one wants me around. Which admittedly is pretty great...I had no idea he thought so highly of me."

"As a mark of respect to Lou Reed I have had his initials inscribed on my headphones. -Daft Limmy"

"What did the constipated mathematician do? He worked his problems out with a pencil and paper."

"The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself ""This changes everything""."