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Joke of the Day

"Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?! Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope"

"It was recently revealed that 25% of women are being treated for mental illness. Scary shit. It means 75% are running around untreated."

"When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife."

"Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty."

"My local policeman does a tall on heroin. I don't know why, we can never understand a word he says."

"What do you call a hippo in Antarctica?! LOST!! (I'll show myself out now)"

"I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea... He says he can't complain."

"Bieber roast! Lets hear your best or should I said your worst! Calling all redditors!"

"A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots. He goes home sober."

"Laugh at something on your phone and wait for me to ask what it is. See your grandchildren grow old. Witness the death of the sun."