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Joke of the Day

"Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year's. Thanks pumpkin!"

"Oh you wear sunglasses inside? lt must be sunny on planet cool."

"How many Gentlesirs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ""Screw is such a harsh word, M'Lightbulb. I have too much respect for lamps to use it."" <Tips fedora>"

"How did the hipster burn her tongue? She ate her soup before it was cool"

"My private health insurance really needs to start covering retail therapy."

"Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's the woman that make it hard."

"When I know I've posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I'm Jason Statham walking from an explosion."

"What was the catchiest thing of 2014? Ebola"

"What's the same about a smart blonde and a UFO? You keep hearing about em but you never see em"

"What do you call a group of people addicted to Japanese drugs? We abuse"