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Joke of the Day

"My mom when I was a kid: ""Never talk to strangers."" ""Never get in their cars."" Me to my future kids: ""Here's how to order an Uber."""

"And then one day you realize you're older and fatter than old fat Elvis."

"I don't know who won the debate tonight but I do know who lost... The American people :("

"What shampoo did Paul Walker use? Head and shoulders, they were on the dashboard"

"Teacher: ""Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"" Student: ""A heart attack."""

"I've just been in the garden with my stepladder Not my real ladder, I don't get on with him"

"Newtown's First Law (OC) Newtown's First Law: For every crisis, there is an opportunistic power-grab by the government to trade freedom for 'security'."

"My roommate dressed as a syringe for our Halloween house party. He's upstairs with the sexy girl wearing the Courtney Love costume. In the addict."

"Why can't you see Hippos hiding in trees? Because they're good at it."

"Why did the caveman not take Viagra? Because he was rock hard."