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Joke of the Day

"What did the left nut say to the right nut? That guy above us is a real dick"

"[on date] Here, let me help you with your jacket! *i gently remove her jacket* This is mine now. Cya"

"Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it."

"I didn't sign up for the 401k at work, because there's no way I can run that far."

"Did you hear about the woman who became a prostitute because she was so scared of being homeless? She was *whore*-ified!"

"Whenever I feel a conversation is becoming dull, I start talking about sunscreen... because it's topical."

"Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito Go away sucker!"

"""Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes"" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out"

"Getting a hard-on is the only way I can get my wife to leave me alone."

"Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell"