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Joke of the Day

"You know what's a big ripoff? Velcro"

"What's harder than nailing a baby to a tree? My cock while doing it."

"Dad: Why are your nails painted two different colors? Daughter: Dad. It's an accent color. Dad: ... Dad: Can I hear it?"

"I have a feeling that Scalia was sad that he was going to be alone on Valentine's Day... ...and it broke his heart..."

"Me: No, you hang up first Pizza Hut: *click*"

"I added Paul Walker on Xbox Live He spends a lot of time on the dashboard."

"How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? I'm gonna need some specs or an outline of the scope, before I can get you an estimate."

"Tonight's Democratic debate"

"What does a vegan zombie eat? GRAAAIIINNNSSS!!!!"

"What does a pedophile order when he goes to a cannibal restaurant? Eh, just something off the kids menu."