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Joke of the Day

"You know how when you're a kid you think your dad is Superman.. Then you grow up and realize that he's just a drunk with a cape."

"Wife: He's your son! Me: So you say! But I don't... *Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song* Me: ...ok fine he's my son."

"How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hella"

"*deletes fb account* *leaves social media* *goes to Himalayas* *pigeon comes with a note* *opens note* *candy crush request* *dies*"

"I like to stand next to someone else's screaming baby, call an ex boyfriend, and tell him, ""We need to talk!"""

"It's politically incorrect to say 'black paint' these days... You must say, ""Jamal, would you mind painting the fence please?"""

"What do you call a rich Chinese? https://i.imgur.com/txMwWBX.jpg"

"Ever wonder if you killed that one really important brain cell?"

"[Spelling Bee] Judge: Your word is... Grease. Me: Grease is the word? Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard."

"Shortest Horror Story: Tomorrow is MONDAY again!"