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Joke of the Day

"Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say ""You silly goose."""

"Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo...I can't believe it's working!"

"[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]"

"I refuse to dance to any song that tells me how to dance in the lyrics"

"A guy did squats at a talent show... He called it a stand up routine."

"Dad can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please? Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet I remember looking for it when I was a boy!"

"For some people, blood on the toothbrush is a sign of gum disease.... ...But for me it's a sign of a healthy abortion."

"WIFE: Please stop. ME: Stop what? WIFE: Singing in the shower. ME: What's the big deal? WIFE: You're scaring everyone at Home Depot."

"[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF] ""Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he'd get a new family"""

"What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? Americans can't milk a cow for 15 years."