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Joke of the Day

"I can totally relate to batteries I'm not included in anything either."

"Hey grocery store cashiers that try to guess what we're going to cook- Shut up."

"Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m."

"ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner's ready! 6YR OLD: what are we having? ME: you'll like it! trust me! 6: I ain't falling for that shit again"

"Why did the elf have to play with Mega Bloks? Because he was Legoless"

"Where can you leave your dog when you shop? The barking lot."

"My girlfriend has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh When I put my ear up to it I can smell the ocean"

"2 flies are sitting on a piece of poop, one cuts a fart; what did the other one say? Hey come on, I'm eating here!"

"If McDonald's was smart they'd serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends."

"Have you heard of the beer Jesus made? Its called Hebrew."