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Joke of the Day

"I got sacked from a job for smiling too much... I said, ""If I can't smile on the job, get yourself another undertaker."""

"[OC] Why does the NSA hate winter? Because they're not used to getting Snowden. (I'll see myself out)"

"""You never told me you were vegan!"" - no one ever"

"I ever tell you about the time I dated a midget? I was just nuts over her"

"Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles"

"I'm undecided about masturbation. On one hand it feels great -Bo Burnham"

"Wife: Who was that on the phone? Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau. Wife: What did he say? Husband: He asked if the coast was clear..."

"They should make another Taken movie, about Liam Neeson's character being under-appreciated for trying to keep his family safe. ""Taken 4: Granted"""

"LPT. Before making any promises to a girl, masturbate twice. It may change your opinion."

"If booze isn't the answer, then your question sucks."