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Joke of the Day

"Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention."

"The only food in Hell is the part of the popcorn kernel that gets stuck between your teeth. Also they have an Olive Garden."

"How is Ellen Pao so good at driving Reddit into the ground? I thought Asian women couldn't drive &#3232;_&#3232;"

"Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you? Me: *accidentally barks*"

"A roman walks into a bar A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus The bartender asks ""don't you mean a martini?"" The Roman replies ""If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"""

"How can you tell if a clock is hungry? it goes back 4 seconds"

"[leaving 5 minute voicemail] ...and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*"

"My grandma has dementia the saddest part is watching her slowly forget about Dre"

"What did Courtney Love say before she shot Kurt? ""Hole is gonna be huge."""

"What do methheads and Mormons have in common? They both ride bikes and go on missions."