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Joke of the Day

"Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain."

"i like my women like i like my coffee roasted, ground up, and suspended in hot water"

"France declared war on al Qaida yesterday. Thank God, for someone needed to teach the terrorists how to surrender."

"An Old Woman Commissions a Tombstone... ... she asks the carvers to write ""born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin."" It wouldn't fit on the face, so they just wrote ""Returned unopened."""

"Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive? I just did and I won't be allowed on this airline again"

"Her: 911, what's your emerge- Me: SOMEONE'S WEARING CROCS! Her: Sir, that's not an em- Me: WITH A FANNY PACK! Her: I'll send an officer."

"What happened when the Ape won the door prize? He didn't take it - he already had a door!"

"Oh. Awesome. A gift card. It's like money, but I can only spend it where you thought I'd like to."

"What's so lame about a duck President? Pieces of bread, quacking, getting into all types of duck antics in the Oval Office! I'm game!"

"Why are librarians so shy? Their occupation makes them very shelf conscious."