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Joke of the Day

"[inventing flies] GOD: make them eat shit ANGEL: got it GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world ANGEL: ok who hurt you?"

"How's Terry Fox like Jack Layton? They both tried to run a country and died before finishing."

"I stole some vegetables today I was out doing the grocery shopping earlier when I realised I really needed a piss. So I took a leek."

"There's an iPhone app that scans your face and tells you how ugly you are. You don't need this. If your phone doesn't ring at all, you're ugly."

"A naked woman robbed a bank yesterday Nobody could remember her face."

"Jack and Jill went up the hill with a dollar and a quarter Jill came down with $2.50"

"Why periods? Why can't mother nature just tweet me and be like ""Waddup girl. You ain't pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to you next month"""

"What do you get when you get in a fight with the Los Angeles Lakers lead point scorer? Kobe beef"

"How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?"

"Me: Take this My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED? Me: You tell me ""Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon"""