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Joke of the Day

"I'm really good at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding."

"Tossed and turned all night. I gotta stop moisturizing with salad dressing."

"You can tell which side of your pillow is the cool side because it's the one smoking a cigarette."

"what do you call a turtle dressed as a guido a slowbro"

"Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?"

"If you surround yourself with people who are full of drama, don't bitch if a shitstorm is always blowing through your life."

"Damn you, Autocorrect ! Why do you keep changing a word into something that makes no sense ? You are the banner of my existence."

"[beach] [a foot washes up] [next, a boot] [I combine them] [more parts arrive] [I keep building] [I stand back] ME: Oh no..you?! HITLER: Yep"

"If I could time travel, I'd make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things."

"5-year-old: Why are we here? Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions"