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Joke of the Day

"""YOU'RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!"" - I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce."

"Just bought a sweet British accent off of Daniel Craig's List."

"i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it"

"Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it's tomorrow, in America it's yesterday and in North Korea it's 1980."

"q: What's got four legs, is fuzzy and green, and would kill you if it came out of a tree at you? a: A pool table."

"what do bad sex and the heimlich maneuver have in common? Both start out with lots of excitement, but then everyone is just relieved when its over"

"Women shouldn't have to be in prison for more than a month. Because their period should be the end of their sentence."

"while getting ready for the hurricane I noticed there was less people in the snack isle than the water isle... I'm just kidding, I live in America."

"Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath. Now hold it. Hold it... Hold it.... Hold it... Keep holding it... Die."

"How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house."