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Joke of the Day

"I think my daughter might turn out to be the next Martin Scorsese! (Her eyebrows are fucking terrifying)"

"I'll never forget my grandfather's last words ... ""Stop shaking the fucking ladder you little cunt!"""

"How many dead schoolgirls does it take to change a lightbulb? Obviously more than four because my basement's still dark."

"Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur."

"After a long day of having my laptop fry my genitals, it feels good to lie in a dark room and have my phone screen fry my eyeballs."

"I changed the tranny in my 69 Camaro. Now he has a brand new dress!"

"And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no ""non creepy"" way to ask where the Vaseline is."

"90% of my friends have hemorrhoids. The other 10% are perfect ass holes."

"I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn't bring me one."

"If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I'd watch for like 20 min before I asked ""For real, tho?"""