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Joke of the Day

"Restrooms now have auto flushes, taps, hand dryers. But isn't it silly that you cancel all that by touching the door handle on your way out?"

"I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me."

"[Interview] ""Why'd you leave ur last job?"" My boss felt threatened by me [Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]"

"While falling down an enclosed space that leads to the laundry room, two heterosexual cats hugged eachother in love embracing themselves before their death. It was CHUTE!"

"What do right-handed people hate most? [NSFW] Having to switch hands at the computer."

"I wish airplanes flapped their wings and shit on cars"

"Kids are like smoking cigarettes. I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me. Jim Jefferies"

"How do you know if Buzzfeed article is stolen? You get the feeling that you've Reddit before."

"I read a book called 'The Anti-Climax' The first part of it was great, but...."

"What do women and computers have in common? You only learn to appreciate them when they go down on you for the first time."