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Joke of the Day

"I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time."

"Why wasn't the cat moving? It was on paws"

"I got arrested today for masturbating in public My lawyer then told me that we'd beat this together."

"My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if."

"Wife: Where did all this glitter come from? Me: Jake, at State Farm."

"Why is Shield Commander Nck Fury upset With another eye missing he can't see a thing. He has officially become *Removes sunglasses Blind Fury"

"[before sex] HER: did you bring protection? ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*"

"What kind of meat do priests eat on good Friday? Nun."

"Why are Asian students so smart? Because they keep trying to take Engrish classes but end up in Engineering."

"Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really f**king good at it."