201559

Joke of the Day

"Doctor and patient Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Nine."""

"A man goes to his doctors who is partially deaf. Man: ""Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a volt!"" Doctor: ""You feel like a watt?"""

"I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl. They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they."

"A snail was mugged by two turtles. When the police asked him what happened, he said ""I don't know. It all happened so fast."""

"We all have one ginger friend that claims to be ""strawberry blonde""."

"Did you know that a male ejaculates at 27mph? That's why I always get in trouble when I do it in school zones."

"Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude's been doing to his hair."

"So I fucked this bitch the other night. She started to get real clingy, so I asked my buddy for some advice. He said, ""Yeah man, golden retrievers can be like that sometimes."""

"Me: I'm in the mood for dessert *winks at wife* [2 hours later] Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?"

"Things I constantly worry about pressing: 1. ""Like"" while ex stalking 2. Send all drafts 3. A baby's soft spot Yes, this list is in order."