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Joke of the Day

"Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said ""I'm your future,"" and I was like ""Sweet, we have a cool beard."""

"A crane fell in NYC today today a friend told me. I asked if it was Niles or Frasier"

"What do you call a wookie in concentration camp? Jewbacca"

"If you're a girl on twitter and you have no pictures of yourself, I'm automatically assuming you're a cat that learned to use a computer."

"Do you want to hear a ghost joke? That's the spirit"

"What mythical creature is the most bloody? A hemogoblin!"

"ME [Puts up ""Have u seen my dog?"" posters across town] HER: Oh no! You've lost your dog! M: No I just think u should see him. He's awesome"

"You lost your phone and it is on silent? Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it."

"Two fish are in a tank... Two fish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says, ""do you know how to drive this thing?"

"""Wow! Go show your mommy!"" -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds."