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Joke of the Day

"On a scale of 1 - 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I'm about a 5."

"*Power goes out* Wife: I can't see! *Shoes light up* Me: Ha! Whose shoes were ""a waste of money"" & ""clearly meant for a large child"" now?!"

"If at first you don't succeed, you're assembling furniture from IKEA."

"I'm commonly known to my friends as ""that nutty guy"" Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can't talk."

"(gym) Me: *tries to lift dumbbell *drops it Trainer: COME ON! IT'S NOT THAT HEAVY! Me: I know, it's just this KFC grease making it slip"

"All I had to do to get back into Twitter was type my credit card number into some web site in Japanese! I'M BACK AMERICA!"

"What do you call an Egyptian surprise attack? A Tut offensive."

"I'd like to teach the world to sing. And while everyone's busy, I'd go watch a movie without people talking through it."

"What do a walrus and tupperware have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal."

"Adrian Peterson regrets leaving marks on his son after the spanking... ... and that's the bottom line."